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Why you are right and so are they

  • by kaibizzen
  • Mar 11, 2021
  • Blog
  • 0 Comments
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You are a unique human being.  There is no one else like you.  The mould was broken when you were created.  Everything about you is quintessentially you.  You come to the table with your own set of talents, gifts, skills, knowledge and experience.  You have so much to offer everyone you meet and have a relationship with, whether that be your partner, your children, your employees, your customers, your friends and associates. 

Likewise those around you come to their relationship with you as a unique human being.  No one else is like them.  The mould was broken when they were created.  They too are quintessentially them.  They come to the table with their own set of talents, gifts, skills, knowledge and experience. 

You’re ‘you’ because of who you are, just as they are ‘They’ because of who ‘they’ are. Our individuality and uniqueness are shaped by the family we were born into, and the experiences we’ve had along and the way to who we each are in this moment.  

You, as you read this today, bring to this experience your own set of beliefs and perspectives of life, priorities in life, habits, communication methods, just as they bring their perspectives, life priorities, habits and communication methods into every moment of their experience. How we each see things and respond to things in every situation is shaped by those things that make us uniquely us. 

That is why in every situation you are right and so are they.   

It’s time that we stopped making each other wrong. It’s time that we started truly being present and listening to our partner, children, team members and clients to begin to understand where they are coming from. 

When it’s OK to challenge another person’s paradigm 

My perspective is that everyone is born a masterpiece and our life’s journey is uncovering that masterpiece

As a leader and mentor of others, we too can facilitate other’s uncovering their masterpiece.   

We can do that by being willing to ask questions of them which give them the space to shift, if they’re open to doing so. 

As a coach and mentor, when I hear another person say things like: 

  • I’ve tried that it doesn’t work 
  • It’s too hard 
  • I can’t 
  • I won’t 
  • I don’t have enough time/money 
  • I don’t know how to do it 
  • I’m not good enough/I don’t deserve this 

For me, when I hear these things, that is the moment I believe we, as leaders, have the greatest opportunity to create positive shifts.  

The thing to remember is this… when people say things like ‘I can’t’, ‘I won’t’, ‘it’s too hard’, etc, it is still right for them right now. Their life experiences, beliefs etc makes them genuinely have those feelings and thoughts.  So it’s still not about making them wrong.  And sometimes, it’s very easy for us to feel like we’re being supportive, when actually we’re making the other person wrong. For example, Commonly, in response to a child saying something along the lines of ‘I can’t’, I’ll hear a well-meaning parent respond with, ‘Well of course you can! You can do anything!’. The parent has unwittingly made their child wrong by invalidating what was right to them in that moment.  

So how can we challenge another’s perception in such a way that it opens up the potential for growth, rather than shutting it down? My approach in these situations is to ask questions – open ended questions.  I call it bums on goal posts – the goals posts is the H – how?; the bums are the Ws – what, why, when, where, who, which? A tip on asking why questions, sometimes it can be perceived as a criticism so my endeavour when asking a why question is to soften it with “can you help me understand why”. 

Some great questions to ask to the above are: 

  • Would you please explain to me what you did before in your previous attempt?  What things worked? What things didn’t work?  What could have you done differently? What would happen if you gave that a go?  What different result may you see? 
  • What about this is difficult for you? Who else do you know either personally or have heard of that may have achieved this?  If they achieved it, how could you possibly achieve the same.  On this one, another question is what will you continue to believe if you keep telling yourself it is hard. 
  • What about this can’t you do? Who else do you know either personally or have heard of that may have achieved this?  If they achieved it, how could you possibly achieve the same.  On this one, another question is what will you continue to believe if you keep telling yourself you can’t.  I remind them of the quote of Henry Ford, who said “if you say you can or you can’t, you are right”. 
  • What won’t you do? What will happen to your marriage/relationship with your children/team/ clients/what will happen to your business if you don’t do it?  What results are you looking for? Who else could do it apart from you? How ready, willing and able are you to make sure it gets done to achieve those results? 
  • How important is this to happen/get done?  As human beings, what do we always find the time to do?  My experience in working with individuals for many years is that each and everyone of always find the time and the money to do the things that are truly important to us. 
  • What is it that you are wanting to achieve?  What steps have your broken the task into?  What do you see is the first thing that needs to be done? Tell me how you can do that? When are you going to have it done by? 

The last one is huge.  In my nearly 18 years’ experience as a professional coach and mentor, the statements I’m not good enough or I don’t deserve this are at the core of uncovering our masterpiece, allowing the best version of ourselves to shine, to achieve what we really want to achieve.  This, from my perspective, is the biggest chunk of extra paint or glue which we have taken upon ourselves. Therefore this is also the one which needs the most work – both for ourselves and in our relationship with others.   

Tools To Challenge Negative Self-Talk 

Firstly, a daily habit of saying out aloud and/or writing down 10 things they want to acknowledge themselves for.  They may be simple things like acknowledging themselves for getting out of bed, or making my kids lunch; it may be acknowledging themselves for something they’ve achieved (small or big) eg getting the pays finished or making that sale, it may be acknowledging themselves for something they are, eg my great sense of humour or being willing to habitually do my self-acknowledgements.    

Secondly a powerful daily habit is the habit of gratitude.  Zig Ziglar says “the more you are grateful, the more you’ll have to be grateful for”.  Express gratitude for the things that you are taking for granted, eg the air that you breath; express gratitude for the blessings and great things that happen to you; express gratitude for the challenges in life, eg even that pain in the back – be grateful you have a back to have a pain in  

Thirdly the habit of acknowledging and letting go of the thoughts and feelings of unworthiness as they arise.  It’s about saying (or writing down), “right now I’m experiencing thoughts/feelings of unworthiness; I wonder what would happen if I didn’t have those thoughts/feelings?”.  When I follow this habit, the feelings/thoughts of peace surround me. 

In my experience the more I acknowledge about who I am and what I do, the more I’m grateful and the more I acknowledge and then let go of my thoughts and feelings (which aren’t who I am anyway), the less time I have having thoughts and feelings of unworthiness. 

Are you finding your need to be ‘right’ is getting in the way of you getting what you want – like a great relationship with your spouse and kids, or a team who you know have your back 100%? As Fawn Weaver said in respect of relationships, “You can choose to be right or choose to be happy; but rarely both.” If you’d like to know more about how Rob and I could work with you so that you are able to create space for your most important people to be the best they can be, then reach out. We’re here to work alongside you in achieving the business and lifestyle you want for you and your family.

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